CI5 Interview
by Frankie McStein
Summary: An Interview between Cowley and a hopeful parent. Based on Common Entrance by Peter Sellers.


I have been trying to get my son in to a good law enforcement agency. After trying the CIA, the FBI and the KGB, I was recommended to send him to that great British civil servant organisation, CI5. Now some of you may never heard of CI5. It's in the heart of London, difficult group to get in to and harder still to get out of. I motored down there the following day. I was shown in to the controller's study.  
Come in to the controller's sir would you? He'll be down in a minute.  
  
Good afternoon I am the controller. Are you an applicant?  
Well no I uh, have a small son.  
I detest evasiveness. What age is he?  
He's 19.  
19? Only 19, the awkward age. To old for mother goose, to young for a good malt scotch. Here is my brochure, just glance through it for a few moments would you?  
  
Oh that's very interesting it's a photograph of the building. Oh I say the emergency exits don't look very safe in this picture.  
They're a lot safer in the picture than they are on the building.  
Are they examined every week?  
They're used every week.  
Tell me is this organisation co-educational?  
You can't baffle me with long words.  
  
No I mean uh, do the boys and girls share the same exercises?  
No we had separate ones built.  
Well how do you segregate the sex's during training?  
If you must know I go round with a crow bar and I prise them apart.  
  
Oh dear, I don't think this will suit my Basil. He's very sensitive and he's never been separated from his mother.  
He hasn't? Have you read what Haverlock Ellis has to say about that?  
  
Then I'll show you, it's disgusting.  
Well I don't think I'll see it now.  
Then I'll send you a copy in a plain wrapper, no one would no.  
  
I must tell you that my boy is very delicate and there is something I would like to know, are your training facilities dry?  
They are after 11pm, then they get drinks if they buy sandwiches.  
I see. Tell me what types of trainees do you have here?  
We have 2 types of trainee, class a and class b, at meal times the class b trainees get priority.  
And the class a trainees.  
They get food.  
  
Do you mean to tell me that the class b trainees don't eat?:  
I never pry into their private lives. Perhaps you'd like to see one of our typical trainees. Fonsworth, Fonsworth.  
Coming sir.  
This is Fonsworth. One of our better trainees , he's on active duty. You may go Fonsworth.  
Thank you sir.  
Hurry along now.  
  
Tell me the training, the exercises, is that on the B.S.F.B system?  
Sometimes but I find that most people prefer to pay cash.  
Oh, then you have no syllabus of your own?  
I don't think it concerns you how I chose to spend my leisure, as it happens we are just good friends.  
  
Oh well, this is very confusing. Your answers aren't a bit like the ones I received from the controller at the CIA.  
Oh you've been hawking your brat around have you?  
No no its not that, its just that i want somewhere to suit his personality. I'm looking for something progressive.  
We encourage men to be men, you may not realise this sir but some of our greatest people ended life as men.  
  
Ah there goes the bell for judo. One of the subjects we specialise in judo, some of our boys speak it like a native.  
Um Mr. Controller I'm going to be brutally frank with you, have you got a record of operative fatalities?  
Singing what?  
  
No I mean I want something to prove to me that the men training here have strength in their personality.  
Well uh, perhaps you'd like to hear the CI5 choir. Miss Pringle I wonder if you would oblige.  
  
  
Nymphs and shepherds come away come away,  
Nymphs and shepherds come away come away,  
Come come come come away.  
  
For it is floras holiday it is floras holiday,  
its floras naughty naughty little holiday.  
  
Nymphs and shepherds come away come away  
Nymphs and shepherds come away come away  
Come come come come away.  
  
  
  
Ok, most of you probably couldn't make head or tail of this, all I can say to help it make more sense is that Peter Sellers did a sketch called Common Entrance and that's what this is based on. I realise most of you (if any one is actually reading this stuff anymore) wont be able to hear this, but I like it and decided it would be amusing to hear an interview between Cowley and an applicant, or parent of an applicant, if it went along the same lines. So here it is. Let me know what you think.


End file.
